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Welcome to my Niche

Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.


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Thursday, October 11, 2012
RTB part 5

I had no reason to make you want me like that. You were young. You cannot get stuck to someone who had heart break written all over her.  I was that person. I was selfish. I wanted what you were giving me but I never gave anything in return. I was used to men wanting me and needing me. But my heart was always in control. It was frozen. It didn't feels. It didn’t surrender to cheap thrills. It was never moved by other people’s emotion. It was my strength.  

<p>

I guess I know now why I was angry. I was greedy. I didn’t want to share you to anyone until I was ready to throw you away.  I wanted more. I called you up. Told you to hop on the next boat leaving from where you were and come to me. You didn’t think twice. You arrived 6am. I knew then what I wanted. I wanted you. I cannot share you.

  <p>

I picked you up. We were both quiet in the cab but you were gripping my hand. I was looking out the window. You respected my space. I didn’t know what to say. I was happy you were here with me not with that girl who was trying to steal you away. She cannot steal my toy. I wanted to play more. I wanted more.

  <p>

Then you spoke. �"im hungy. Can we eat?- I gave instructions to the driver to take us to a drive thru. I didn’t want to spend my first few hours with him while some other girls ogled.  He didn’t say anything. Again, he respected my decisions. I felt he was trying to adjust to this mood. He was trying so hard to reach out to that place where he would bridge the space between us. I didn’t want him to get there yet. I hadn’t recovered yet. I was still upset. I wanted to do was scream at him and hit him so hard. I wanted to hurt him.

<p>

When we got to my place, I felt his anticipation. His need. It screams in my ear. I opened the door and put the food on the table and before I can even do another thing, he turned me around and kissed me hard that I felt my lips bruised after he was done with was he was doing.  He was groaning. We were standing in the middle of my pad, my hands on the side. His hands on my face. I opened my eyes and I saw the frown or maybe the pain in his brow. Like he lost me and he can’t believe I was here with him. His kiss became gentle and he lifted his face and touch my lips with her thumb  -don’t you ever do that to me again. God, I thought I lost you. I was scared. Do you understand. Don’t hurt me like that again-  he was looking in my eyes. I was just staring at him. His brows where still showing the anguish I caused him. I lifted my hands and touch his brows with my index finger, thinking it would take it all away. �"ok. I wont do it again- He smile and kiss me one more time. This time I put my hands inside his shirt and run my hands in his back. It felt so good. He smell so damn good. He was mine. He was here.


Posted at 09:38 pm by thebutterfly
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Wednesday, October 10, 2012
remembering the boy 4

Then you left with a promise of return. You keep calling me. Telling me all the things you feel and want to feel. I didn't reciprocate the emotions you pour in the phone lines day after day. I didn't know what to feel or what you would have me feel. You are young, inexperienced, and naive. I was way too much for you. But I longed for you. My body ached every time it remembers you. I was confused because I didn’t know if it was just my heart or my mind, or my body. I was unquenchable. I had a need that was strong I cannot handle them. I was scared that my heart would hear my body and find a way to give me the emotions I was scared to feel. You know what scared me the most? I would find myself smiling alone just thinking about you. I remembered how you held my hand in the mall when we were buying a pair of slippers that matches mine. The salesladies giggled and blushed on your charm but not on them but on me. It was like you are trying to win my heart after championing over my body. I’ve never been shy in my whole life over boy’s charms, I was used to it. But with you, it was new. Everything you were doing cast a spell on my heart. It was surprising that my body reacts more to them while my heart was calm and my mind didn’t even interfere. My body needed and both my heart and head were quiet.

Your calls became frequent. Sometimes you wouldn’t say anything. You would be so quiet on the other line and all I can hear is your breathing. And I would close my eyes and imagine your hands and your mouth all over my body. I would imagine the way you would groan in my ears and the way you would devour my mouth like you’re parched and needed to drink and was not having enough. How can your silence at the end of the line made me burn like that? And you would end by saying like you are reading my mind ‘know you understand what I feel. The reason for my silence. I just wanted to imagine you’re here. Here with me. I miss you. So bad. Hearing you breath in the end of the line is like you sleeping here with your face on my face.’ And you would end the call.

A friend called me. Our friend. He told me that a girl was trying to win you. He said that he had seen you talking with her often and you would smile sometimes. I told him I don’t care. I don’t own you. He said I thought you had to know. after the call. I was angry. I don’t know why. I didn’t answer your calls that day. 45 missed calls. 20 text messages.

-are you there?-

-please answer the phone now-

- are you buys? Can you please just say hi-

-I’ve been calling. Please pick up.-

-are you mad at me?-

-please answer me. Im going crazy-

- (name)? where are you

please.-

-don’t do this to me please-

- don’t you dare tell me its over-

- im sorry. Im sorry. Whatever it is. Im sorry-

- baby? Don’t do this please. Don’t do this to me-

- why?-

- pick up please.-

- are you trying to hurt me? you are f*cking doing it right.

- im sorry. Im just mad. Mad about you. please pick up.

- this isn’t f*cking funny. Don’t you dare f*cked me up like this.

- please. Please. Im begging you. answer please.

- im desperate. I need u.-

- please.

I read them all. Heard all the calls. I cannot get myself to respond or answer the call. I was angry. I didn’t want to be angry. You were not mine. If you were I didn’t make it clear and we never talked about it. I wanted so badly to reach out to your desperate pleas. But I knew you need not be stuck with me. I was a heart break waiting to happen to anyone. I was sure I was going to break your heart.


Posted at 01:44 pm by thebutterfly
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Sunday, September 23, 2012
remembering the boy 3

October 31. You came to see me. I was thrilled and excited to see you again. You said you just wanted to be with and be alone with me. You said you needed the freedom and wanted it to be me. I was your freedom. Being with me made you free. I picked you up and we headed home. I was still very tired from work and I wanted to sleep. We settled ourselves to my place. I took a shower. You did too after me. I fix the separate bed you will be sleeping at. I wore an oversize shirt and prepare myself to bed. I was exhausted. We were quiet. We haven’t said anything to each other. Then I felt you lie beside me. You were caressing my hands and your breath is on my nape. You said “I missed you. I wanted to hold you so badly. I cannot wait another day.” I kept quiet and let you do your thing. Your touch is warm, its burns my skin. I can hear your heartbeat. And you started kissing my neck, and whispering, “can i?” I don’t know what you were asking but when I didn’t respond, you took off my shirt and touch me, touch like you have never touch someone before. I can hear you groan. I can feel your hands in my belly, then to my breast. You linger then and touch them so eagerly, when I didn’t respond some more, you turn me around and kiss me hard. It was then that I responded. You were groaning in my mouth. Your mouth was playing in my mouth while your hands were all over my hips and my breast. You stopped and stood up and took your shirt and shorts off. Now you are just wearing your white underwear and I was wearing my pink undies. and you went back to my bed and started everything again, kissing me, my mouth my neck, my breast, you didn’t know what to do anymore. You were frantic, you wanted more, of what I don’t know. Until your hands slid down to my thighs and caress my buttocks. Your hands went shy when it came to my mould. You caress it on my undies until you remove them altogether and touch my wet, eager and wanton mould, you groan some more in my mouth, you can’t get enough. “I want you. So bad.” You keep touching me there and you come closer like you wanted to melt with me. I was crazy with need. This was what we have always wanted with each other. Warm flesh, our mouth exploring each other, you touching me there and making me want you. You knew exactly what will make me burn. “you will be my first. I wanted you to be my first” you told me. I didn’t know what to think, then you get on top of me and kiss me so hard, wanting, drinking me, possessing me. Then your beat so fast when you finally took off your briefs. You paused for awhile and breathe so hard on my shoulder. “I will take you now” and slowly you ease yourself inside me, very slow and when you were buried deep inside me, you stop and kiss me so hard. “this is what imagine it would feel and more. I didn’t imagine I would be here now, with you and doing all the things I wanted.” And he moved slowly at first, then I push my pelvis upward and he took my cue to move faster and he did. He move madly while his mouth devour me, then he raise his head and close his eyes and move and groan and satiating himself. His hands on under my head and he suddenly move upward and put his hands on my hips and drove in some more “come with me, I am almost there. Come with me.” And we did, he convulse, loudly groaning and captured my mouth once more, while I laid satisfied, trembling on his intensity. On his need. He stayed inside me and still hard, and didn’t move for awhile while slowly caressing my breast and in few minutes he started moving inside me again. Spoon position, then he moved his hands down to my mould and while moving inside me so slowly, he caresses my clit. And biting my shoulders and groan “oh. I cant get enough. Oh so good. Oh beautiful. So soft. So perfect. I have chosen well. I have wanted the right girl.” He kept biting my shoulder and putting lovemaking marks on my shoulder. And he moved a little faster and thrusting harder and caressing faster as well. “im cuming again. Oh oh. Let me wait for you.” I told him I am cuming too. “and again and again we cum and satiated. He was still inside me and not tired and still hard. “I cannot unhard it anymore. It wants to be inside you. I think if I’ll take it out it will get extremely angry. I think it found the best place. I found the best place. Here with you. Inside you. No other woman made me feel this mad. Oh you made me so mad about you.” And he moved again while chuckling in my ear saying “he wants this” thrust ‘he wants to be buried like this” harder thrust “I will do this to you until you are spent and I am too” more deeper and harder thrust. He pulled it out after the 5th round and I was spent but still wanting more. He pulled it out but didn’t stop, he got a wet towel and wipe my mould and remain their to taste and take a drink of my juice… “so sweet” “this is much better than being inside. Look I am hard again. But I will eat first on your sweet pie” and he did. I came one after the other as he bit, lick, put his tongue inside, blow and and suck, and put fingers inside while biting. I was crazy with desire and when he cant take it anymore, he get inside me again and his thrust were hurtful and harder and deeper. It think he had become bigger and stronger. And he came so hard and groan. We were not tired but his hands were still on my breast. He kept caressing me. “I cant get enough. I think I am crazy. Just touching you like this make me hard like a rock. What did you do to me? You’re a witch. An amazing, sweet witch.” (to be continued) "

Posted at 01:16 pm by thebutterfly
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Friday, September 21, 2012
remembering the boy 2

 We both didn't have any problem with what we were indulging ourselves with. We wanted each other. We needed the thrill, the lust and the good feeling we gave to one another. You wanted more I know. I would hold back at times and try not to be too affected. “I am in lust with you” you told me. It wasn’t the one I expected but it sounded sexy and sinful when you told me. I didn’t know what to do. “I want you. It hurts to want someone this way.” That one I didn’t see coming. It was utterly forbidden in our circumstances. It was not allowed. It intensified the need. Yours. Mine. But yours more. You started to avoid me after those words. You would pass me by. During the team walks, you would walk with someone else. I missed you. Your touch the most. Your needing me. Your wanting me. I knew how hard it was for you to stay away because I would catch you staring. I was angry. I acted like a total addict who runs out of drugs and I knew I was hooked and I cannot escape. I want. I need. You. Your touch. Those things you do to me. You kept avoiding and eventually left the team. I requested it. You make me uncomfortable. You make me want. Your friend told me how you were struggling. How you wanted to just take me away from all of these people and from this place and be with me and do more than what we were allowed to do. I left school and you got left behind. I was free. You knew exactly what to do. You looked for me while you were still in that place and your hands tied. You would phone me everyday. I can hear your need. I tried to brush it off. You didn’t like it. You explained why you did what you had to do. You were scared people will start to talk. You knew I was too much to trifle with. You wanted me back. You wanted more. You wanted me for you. You told me what you want to do to me all these years. You said “I have never forgotten how it feels. How you felt like in my hands, when I touch. I cannot forget.” It was enough then, it was enough. I wanted you too.

Posted at 08:59 pm by thebutterfly
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remembering the boy 1

It's been 5 years since the last time we were together in that beautiful island. It was the day I also said goodbye to you. I told you we cannot stay the way we were then. Even though I wanted you to love me more. I can still remember how you cannot get enough of me. How you would turn cold to hot one minute from the last lovemaking. For you it was lovemaking, for me it was simply called fucking someone I know and like.
<p>
It started in college. They assigned you to my team. You were a sophomore, I was a senior. You were the quiet member. I was the team leader. I don’t know you but you seem to have found a way to get close to me. At first it was just all staring at me, even if I caught you doing it, you wouldn’t turn away so I can catch you staring. You just stare. There were times that I would seek that kind of attention from you. A lot of girls did; but your eyes were on me, only me. You seemed to be reading me, sizing me and taking my clothes off. From staring you went to walking along side with me during our weekly team trips. You would talk to me casually and I would respond back nonchalantly about any topic. There were times you would assist me when we go down a steep slope. Holding my arm. Then my waist. Then sometimes you sneakily squeeze my hand when everyone in the team would walk ahead of us. You would pull me to walk right behind everyone and would keep squeezing my hand. My waist. And stare like you never stared in your life. It was you who showed your intention first. Our group seemed to know what’s going on with you when you were with me and they didn’t care but I knew they were encouraging you. There were times they would bail on out weekly trips and leave us two together. You loved that very much. You would have more time holding my hands. Caressing them and squeezing them. There were times you would pull me beside me you squeeze my waist and smell my hair. I knew right there you were addicted. I loved the attention. You became an addiction too. There were times I would wish that we could be alone together and the team would bail out again. It happened far too many times during that year. They knew your intentions and they were more than encouraging you, they were conspiring with you so you can be alone with me. I liked it. Oh how I liked it. I didn’t know what I feel about you but I liked that things you do to me. It was addictive. I would look for it at night and look forward for our long walks on our weekly trips. You were my drug. Dangerous and sinful. ... to be continued.

Posted at 08:22 pm by thebutterfly
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Saturday, September 15, 2012
January 4.2010 10:08am

Happy Birthday Kuya Joel. its seems that you are still alive and i can still see you tomorrow, or next week or even next month. i don't remember you being gone. you are too alive and too big to die so easily. you were bigger than this life. but you are not here and every time i remember you, my heart breaks and my eyes cry. i don't understand why you have to go or why did you not fight to live. there's so many things in the future that will never be the same without you. i will still write your name on the invitation of my wedding. make you "ninong" to my first born. talk about you as if you are just there somewhere and you will be back so i can let them meet you. there are so many thing about you that makes this moment a very sad one. you were the strongest, the wisest --- who can replace you. i miss you kuya joel. i don't like to think you are gone. i don't like to think that i cried that one lonely sunday because i was saying goodbye. let's just say, "see you later" --- i will live this life loving you my dear cousin and loving the ones you left. say Hi to my DAD! tell him i say Happy Birthday!

Posted at 09:40 pm by thebutterfly
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my heart's only reason

i have some faith when it comes to love...and loving you. i have listed all the reasons why i cant. why i wont. why i dont. i have 100 reasons. i rewind them everyday in the recesses of my mind- until they become chants to stop my heart from betraying me again. the same love. old love. still you. my heart knows you. and knows noone else. i've memorized all my reasons. reminded myself from time to time. but when i start to not remember them - my heart takes over - telling me how stupid I am -- so foolish for believing that i can control my heart...we dont seem to see eye to eye lately...my heart is winning. then i chant one more time all my reasons. convincing myself that i am wiser than my heart...i cant be vulnerable. i will never succumb to my heart's 1 and only reason...i have 100 - my heart has 1--- only 1 reason against my hundred - i love you - that's the reason my heart is fighting for. i love you. some faith....my heart.

Posted at 09:39 pm by thebutterfly
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my pen loves you

i am not writing your name on my fancy red notebook. i am going to stop writing once and for all. for everytime my hand holds a pen..it starts writing your name and all it means to me. it will say how much it likes your eyes, your smile...and when you sing - how it melt my heart. it scribbles on how i adore your annoying teasing and how i love it when you just stop when no one else is watching and stare at me. it writes on how you would hold my hand, and put your hands around my shoulder -- and how you would leave a beautiful kiss on the cheeks. my pen...it says that i will never forget. my pen will go on writing...writing about you..and me..and us. and my love for you.

Posted at 09:39 pm by thebutterfly
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I like you.

i like you. i really really like you. i've like you since 13. and i like you til now. you were the first person i seriously like but never followed around. i was always confused with this" "liking" you. it's unstable but consistent. sometimes i just dont want it...most of the time i bask in its complication. it makes me happy and i smile even when i'm sleeping. i wake up smiling...but i frown because i dont know if i like to go on liking you. it is too profound. this liking you business is undeniably disturbing. it wont allow me to like anyone else.' this is a very selfish emotion. it makes me think of only you. i like you. i really do. ...or maybe this is something more than like. you must know. or else i'll just stop...as if i can.

Posted at 09:38 pm by thebutterfly
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Di Mo Kilala Ang Puso Ko

ung tingnan mo para bang alam mo ang nararamdaman ko. Parang alam mo na pag nag iisa ako, nakatanga ako at nag iisip bakit ganito kita kamahal. Alam mo ba na sumisikip ang dibdib ko pagka gising ko dahil pati ba naman sa panaginip ko iniwan mo ako? Kaya wag mong sabihin kilala mo ako. Wag mo akong tingnan na parang pareho Tayo ng nararamdaman. Hindi. Hindi mo Kayang mahalin ako ng ganito. Siguro Kung magmamahal ka ng iba katulad ng pagmamhal ko sayo makikilala mo ang puso ko, makikilala mo ang buong pagkatao ko. Ikaw ang buhay ko- di ako buo ngayon dahil pinilit mong tingnan na lamang ako sa malayo, habang may hawak kang iba - para akong isang pelikula na pilit mong iniintindi at iiyakan at hihiling na sana hinding Hindi mangyayari sa u ang nangyayari sa akin. Pakiusap wag mong ipagsasabi na kilala mo ako. Malayong mangyari yan sa dahilang nagmamahal ako ng lubos at di mo alam paano akong mahalin ng tulad nito. Di mo alam na kahit ilipat ang puso ko sa ibang katawan - makikilala ka nito. Kilala ka ng puso ko - ikaw Lang ang alam nyang mahalin. ikaw lang. Di mo ako kilala - at Hindi na mangyayaring makikilala mo pa ako - kahit alam mo ang pangalan ko, Hindi mo alam na pangalan mo ang paulit ulit na tinatawag ng puso ko. Di mo alam na pagkatapos mong panoorin ang pelikulang Ito - ako naman ang nka titig sa u na para kang isang npakagandang bituin sa langit. Di mo alam na pilit kong sinusuway ang puso ko - pero mahal ka Nya. Ikaw Lang.

Posted at 09:37 pm by thebutterfly
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